Weird Excuses Melissa Carone Has to Dismiss the Presidential Election

I don’t think I can improve on this, but I will try.

Yesterday Melissa Carone who is — according to multiple people I asked to confirm — definitely not Helena Bonham Carter in a Halloween wig after a spectacularly rough hen do rehearsing a bit for an SNL guest appearance, gave *checks notes* “testimony.” I’m told, and I say this with several different species and varieties of caution, that she is or at one point was working IT for Dominion. So I can see why people might think, at least on paper, that she would be a good witness if — in actual fact — any manipulation of the election had occurred.

But as it turns out, she is every bit as crazy as her hair.

Apparently she delivered “testimony,” after another “witness,” alleged voter fraud because evidently one of the poll workers appeared unsuitably Asian to her. Her chief concern seems to be that she was expected to take a shuttle to the vote counting site. Quelle horreur.

I can’t really tell but it seems based on Ryan J. Reilly’s tweets on the subjects that she appeared as original where she claimed that shuttles are big bad and then had a command performance where she then additionally claimed that ballots were being rerun multiple times and also dead people were voting. Back in the before-times I had a whole thing where I wanted to do a zombie suffrage event based on real and alleged corruption in Cook County up until the end of Mayor Daley’s term in office because he was known to get voter registrations for people who were deceased.

But I think my favourite was when she claimed she couldn’t get a job and also had to delete her social media accounts due to death threats and that’s why she’s the only person brave enough to come forward. I mean … none of this is demonstrably true. Apparently, she does actually have a job or at least had one. She posted on twitter right after the hearings with the picture included below.

And lastly, I really don’t mean to be dismissive because this is and continues to be a huge issue but it’s pretty standard for women to receive death, rape, and doxing threats online. It’s a truly evil thing to do and if you’ve done it to anyone including this crazy woman you are a bad person and deserve censure and I really don’t care what “side” you think you’re on, but this is why there are block and report functions available. Yes, I know women who have actually had to delete their profiles and even move due to online harassment and legitimate threats and I myself was in a position where I had to move months before I had planned to, but this is clearly not the case for Carone and it’s a bit annoying that she’s pretending it is.

I’m a bit to charitable to fully accept that the Trump team is probably exploiting her for her crazy, so I have difficulty understanding why they’d let her sign a … affidavit? certifying that she won’t perjure herself and then let her go in and perjure herself, but she was testifying to things of which she clearly had no knowledge or understanding.

But anyways, particularly after Giuliani punctuated the hearings with an audible fart — which seems entirely tonally appropriate for literally all of this — I thought it would be fun to try to make up statements by Fraudulent Barbie here. Gotta say, I’m not sure I can top what she actually said, but I WILL TRY.

Republican State Senator: Miss Carone firstly, let me take this opportunity to thank you for your bravery today. Can you tell us in your own words what your position was with Dominion?

Melissa Carone: Thank you, yes. I’d like a Breakfast Baconator, a side of fries, and a chocolate frosty.

Republican State Senator: Ma’am this isn’t a Wendy’s.

Melissa Carone: That’s okay, I’ve got my scotch in a thermos over here.

Republican State Senator: Miss Carone, I’m sorry, but you can’t drink in here … and that’s clear, that is definitely not scotch.

Melissa Carone: Mama needs her morning pick-me-up.

Republican State Senator: Right, okay. Uh, could you possibly tell me …

Melissa Carone: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.

Republican State Senator: … What …?

Melissa Carone: Dead people were voting!

Republican State Senator: Now we’re getting somewhere, could you le-

Melissa Carone: The books are WRONG! Did you check the registrations? There’s more people voting than white people in my family! I called my mom about this and SHE said that you’re not doing that.

Republican State Senator: *stares*

Melissa Carone: I got DEATH THREATS. I had to delete my social media! Hold up, I gotta take a selfie and update Instagram. Let’s see, hashtag girlpower, hashtag Iwokeuplikedis, hashtag truthandjustice, hashtag mommagottawerk, hashtag savethechildren, aaaaand post. What was your question again?

Republican State Senator: Uh, I think maybe we should move on. You mentioned registrations not matching the vote count, do you want to explain that?

Melissa Carone: No, I would not.

Republican State Senator: … but then why are you here?

Melissa Carone: Because the PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!

Republican State Senator: What do they need to know?

Melissa Carone: That the vote doesn’t match the registrations!

Republican State Senator: Great, can you explain?

Melissa Carone: No.

Republican State Senator: Why not?

Melissa Carone: … hey man, so how’s that frosty coming?

Republican State Senator: You know what, let’s try a different tac. You worked in IT at Dominion so maybe you can tell us, just theoretically, how the vote could be altered.

Melissa Carone: Well, the way it’s designed is you get a voter, let’s say it’s a man, and he goes in to vote, right?

Republican State Senator: Right.

Melissa Carone: Okay and he finishes voting, but then he’s transgender so he goes in as a woman and votes again.

Republican State Senator: Wait —

Melissa Carone: So then after that JK Rowling brings back his dead grandpa who is also transgender and they get pizza together and make everyone get a vaccine and wear masks.

Republican State Senator: … Maybe I didn’t phrase the question right. I was hoping for a more technical explanation rooted in reality.

Melissa Carone: Did you know …, did you know that 5G steals our thoughts?

Republican State Senator: … I’m honestly revaluating all the previous life choices that brought me to this moment in time.

Melissa Carone: They run the ballot through the machine six or seven times.

Republican State Senator: Really? Because that ..

Melissa Carone: Yeah! and my vote only got counted twice so ..

Republican State Senator: Wait, Miss Ca-

Melissa Carone: So there’s immigrants spreading polio who are illegally voting felons and also underage lazy people stealing our jobs and kidnapping our children. And they’re in league with Epstein who came back and was helping Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez win the election for President Xi.

Republican State Senator: Okay. Fine. You know what? Fine. It’s fine. Maybe you can address the lack of significant discrepancies between our voter registration and the final vote count.

Melissa Carone: No.

Republican State Senator: Are we really going to do this again?

Melissa Carone: No.

Republican State Senator: Do you mean “no” we’re not going to do this again or “no” you can’t explain the discrepancies?

Melissa Carone: You’re part of the lizard deep state.

Republican State Senator: I’m pretty sure I’m not …

Melissa Carone: THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN YOUR RED HAIR??

Republican State Senator: I’m … bald … though ….

Melissa Carone: Okay, that’s fine. Anyway the vote was off by three hundred million in this district. Can you explain that?

Republican State Senator: There’s not three hundred million registered voters in the country.

Melissa Carone: Yeah! Explain that.

Republican State Senator: Can we recess? Does anyone have Valium?

I can’t say I actually have a lot of sympathy for Republicans because they did unleash a racist authoritarian swarm on the country, but it is entertaining to watch them have to deal with the crazy they hath wrought.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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