The Vice Presidential Debate from a Fly’s Perspective

I’m the Fly on Pence’s hair and I have thoughts.

A number of pundits have come out and tried to attribute my presence at the debates as some signal from the almighty, perhaps an indication of the presumed smell generated by the hypocrisy emanating from Vice President Michael Pence, or my own position in alignment with AntiFa. As such I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.


Excuse me. One occasionally has difficulties with human communication.

It is true that Pence’s general aura and odour were that of the thickest and deepest bovine faeces and it was a testament to my own personal strength of will not to give in to my more base instincts. However, I felt it appropriate as Mr. Pence seems to have a similar issue with females of your species. There was some level of comradery — at least from my perspective — in that the two of us are gross, a bit annoying, and largely unable to control ourselves to the point that we crave supervision under such circumstances wherein temptation may arise.

However, I should like to advise, I am not AntiFa. For one, it sounds uncomfortably close to “Anti-Fly,” and we simply can’t have that and for another … well, I shudder to include this as it is still deeply traumatic for me but here is a video of my twentieth great grandfather being ever so cruelly dispatched by your former President of these United States Barack Obama.

A dark day for fly-kind.

Additionally, I am concerned that you humans are neglecting the very important state of human-fly relations. In particular, as an emissary of flies nation wide we are most concerned about this Green New Deal so frequently mentioned by Trump and Pence. According to them, if the Green New Deal or any like environmental legislation of which there are many diverse bills but which are being overshadowed by this one that cannot even make it out of committee, there will be no more cows.

Initially an end to all US cows will be good for us. But as a fly in a leadership position I want to look to the far distant fly future. If you get rid of all the cows where will we find cow poop? We could simply follow the Trumps around but they use quite a lot of hairspray and we do fear spontaneous combustion.

It does occur to us that we could simply read any of the environmental legislation on the docket and discover that there is no such provision for getting rid of cows; that that was simply an invention of a populist or fascist mindset in order to drive the less educated or more gullible of your population away from bills which may in various ways improve your position, but weaken the position of the plutocratic power structures enhanced by the Republican control of the Executive Branch as well as the Senate. But with humble apologies, I must remind you that we are flies and therefore lacking in the higher neurological structures to allow for literacy.

The more astute of my human audience may now be entertaining the rational conjecture that should I, a fly, lack in literary accomplishment, then how should I be so eloquent and also have written this article? But I ask you not to think too hard on it as you are currently reading the words of a housefly and what might that say about you?

We, as flies, have serious concerns. We have sent emissaries before, but we have thus far been met with hostilities which we believe derive from your association of us with the demon Beelzebub. In fact, we do know him. He’s a rather chatty guy. But we do not condone, nor are we associated with his mischief.

I felt that Mr. Pence, besides being of a rather attractive scatological nature, bore the closest resemblance to the intelligence of the average fly and I was therefore attempting to gain an audience through him. I had hoped to speak at that debate. It is my belief that I might have been more effective and certainly more truthful than he was.

Sadly, it was not to be so. In any case my dear American humans, when you go to vote this November, remember the flies.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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