On the Failure of American Men
Today I’m going to speak from the heart about why I fled the country. Sort of.
I’m going to break my rules in this post. I’m going to speak directly from my experience and I’m not going to include citations or links. At least not a lot. The reason I’m doing this is I get into a lot of arguments with specifically American men and … well they suck at it but it’s rather interesting the specific ways in which they will try to win when they realize it is in fact impossible for them to win with me. So here’s some of the categories.
- The not-all-men.
- The if-you-continue-to-behave-like-this-no-man-will-find-you-attractive.
- The you’re-ugly-anyway.
- The you’re-elitist.
- The I’m-gonna-call-your-boss.
- The this-is-reverse-discrimination/you’re-sexist-for-not-letting-me-win.
- The men-are-just-genetically-predisposed-to-[whatever].
- The you-must-be-a-lesbian.
- The it’s-worse-in-Muslim-countries-why-are-you-complaining.
- The women-already-have-equal-rights.
We’ll go through these one by one, but I have to say, and this is going to piss off the American men reading this, a big part of the reason I notice any of this is because of my French boyfriend. We watch American shows together and he’s asked on multiple occasions why the women in those shows seem so disappointed and why the men are so stupid. Part of it is for the story and the drama but frankly the other part is that American men suck. American men are selfish, egotistical, privileged, uneducated, uninspiring, unnecessarily violent, lazy, poorly groomed, and apparently really bad in bed. This was actually the biggest culture shock I received when I left the United States. Men in other cultures do not suck as bad as American men. Sometimes they even treat me like a person. Some wanted to be my friend with no expectation of sex. And you know how Americans consider women from other cultures so sexy and exotic? It’s because those women are getting their needs met both in and out of the bedroom. They can be confident because in their culture it is acceptable to be a woman.
So let’s get into it. Let’s break down why American men are failing by the excuses they make.
- The not-all-men.
If you are an American man reading this I will bet you’ve already said to yourself, “oh, she can’t possibly be referring to me,” and possibly you’ve followed that up with, “I should get her to confirm that she’s not talking about me.” Let me save you the trouble here. If you’ve ever asked a woman who is frustrated with men to confirm that she’s not talking about you …. she’s talking about you. And she’s talking about you because you are asking her after she’s already dealing with some pretty heavy stuff to do the extra work of making sure you don’t feel offended. So, some guy or some several guy treated her like trash probably for no actual reason, she’s upset and trying to work through that abuse that’s been heaped on her, and you decide to make it a special therapy session for yourself with her assuring you that you’re just a paragon of worthiness. Guys. That is so so SO sucktastic.
And what truly makes it worse is you guys do this most frequently not when women are complaining about the little things like having to do more housework or having to work through a cold or being expected to look great all of the time but when women are complaining about the epidemic of rape and sexual assault. Guys, here’s what I don’t get. When you not-all-men in cases of sexual assault it means you identify more with rapists than with women. Do you understand how bad that is? You’re basically saying you may not have committed rape or sexual assault yet, but you might want to at some point. It also says that you don’t really believe women or you don’t want to believe women which in turn means women cannot afford to trust you because even if you never do commit rape or sexual assault, you’re going to help rapists get away with it. Not-all-men has exactly the opposite of its desired effect. Not only are you compounding the assault but you’re saying to us that you sympathize with violent criminals who make you look bad and destroy our lives.
2. The if-you-continue-to-behave-like-this-no-man-will-find-you-attractive.
This one actually cracks me up. As I said, I’ve got a French boyfriend. And let me tell you, what they say about French guys? It’s true. So when American guys tell me that I’m going to end up an old cat lady because I don’t agree with them … this is funny to me. Firstly, cats are awesome. If I were confronted by a demon tomorrow and told that I had to choose between marrying an American guy and never expressing my own opinion again or being an old cat lady who never has sex with men I would choose old cat lady in a second. I’d probably ask the demon if I could also keep dogs and horses and whether or not this plan came with my own personal crafts room. But secondly, I’m not on the market and I’m certainly not on the market for American men.
But that last — the concept of being on the market — is the issue. As a woman, American men look at me as a product to buy or reject. And they often forget that I get a choice in this. So yeah, I do care what my boyfriend thinks and I do dress up for him and do nice things for him from time to time. But he does the same for me. American men don’t do that. American men look at women as if they can just go up to the one they want and demand she come home with them and how dare she if she says no or disagrees to their ideas regarding the terms of the relationship. American men want to treat women as if they’re an object that they can buy and then discard when it no longer suits them. If the object is too much trouble or not attractive to them they won’t buy in the first place and they have no concept that American women might find certain behaviors or levels of health in men unattractive and worthy of rejection.
If, god forbid, my relationship ends with my boyfriend then I may look for another one, but I won’t bother with American men because I want to be treated as a person and American men just won’t do that. Basically, American guys: I don’t find you attractive …
3. The you’re-ugly-anyway.
This one also cracks me up. And it is closely related to the previous one. This usually is shot at me right before the guy blocks me or tells his friends I’m a total b****. As such, I can only assume it’s him trying to save face. Let’s get something out of the way right here. I can have intense debates with my boyfriend but under no circumstances do I consider an internet debate about why I’m never going to vote for an authoritarian Russian supported Manchurian candidate foreplay. And guys, I know I’m fun to debate with because I’m demonstrably smart, but the thing is what’s fun for you isn’t necessarily fun for me. It’s been years since any man has brought up an argument I’ve not heard before in an internet debate. So if I’m “debating” with you I’m probably shocked that you have such passe ideas and I’m trying to give you enough information to stop tripping over your own shoelaces or telling people who know better than you how to vote. That’s not sexy for me. It’s a goddamn horror-show.
And of course the other piece of this is I do not give the posterior portion of a large rodent whether or not some random guy on the internet finds me attractive. Enough guys have explained to my face that I’m too thin, too fat, too muscular, too ambitious, too pretty, too smart, or too good a friend for them to date that I no longer care what reason you have or think you have for ending your conversation with me. Again, I’ve got a man, and again I’m not in these debates for sexy times. That would be weird. But the other thing is, I am totally okay with people not finding me drop dead gorgeous. I just am. As long as I’m happy with what I see in the mirror and as long as my boyfriend occasionally goes, “wow, how lucky am I,” I’m good. I and most women do not care about your approval.
This is why negging doesn’t usually work. If a guy doesn’t find me attractive I can just find one that does. I personally have one usually just a few feet away, but even women who are single and desperately want a boyfriend can find someone who finds them attractive in some way or another after about five tries. American men need to understand that everything isn’t about them. We don’t care what you think, because although you do hold a lot of the power, you do not hold all of it.
4. The you’re-elitist.
I’ve already covered this one in another post. I think it was actually my vaccines post. But in any case, yes. Yes, I am an elitist. I worked my butt off to be an elitist and I did it because as a woman the only way anyone’s going to listen to a single word that comes out of my mouth is if my name is followed by copious letters. There’s a lot of smart well-read women out there who’s words aren’t heard. My own mother was rejected from a job because they were afraid that her lack of any college degrees would impair her ability to help enforce regulations. Some of the specific regulations they thought were over her head she had penned herself. She was published in the field and among the most accomplished people in her profession, but because she did not have letters behind her name it was hard for her to get a job after she left the Pentagon. (Yeah. She was the civilian equivalent of full bird colonel.)
Men can get away with letting people call them Mr. or not having advanced degrees, but women and people of color cannot. But the other part of this is even with my doctorate and two masters men without any knowledge on the subject STILL question whether I really know what I’m talking about. Now, I don’t have any time at all for a guy who cannot read a book on the subject but thinks he’s going to tell me how it is. But that guy seriously believes he not only deserves my time, but deserves to be told he’s right. That guy has done zero work or study but he is using the “you’re elitist,” charge in order to get people who have done so much more to come down to his level. So American guys, I do know better than you, you don’t deserve my time, and your “theories,” are uneducated at best.
5. The I’m-gonna-call-your-boss.
I get this threat all the time. The idea is that my boss is definitely male and will definitely fire me because I’m not voting for Bernie Sanders. So firstly, good luck with that because several of my close friends thought I was in Durham, North Carolina rather than Durham, England so I doubt that some guy on the internet can figure out where I work let alone who my boss is and how to contact her. (And yes, all but two of my bosses have been women, and in one of those cases I was just directly supervised by a man who himself was under a woman.)
But more importantly, no decent employer is going to let me go over the sort of things that come up online. In most of these cases where an American guy has threatened to tell on me to my boss it’s been because I wouldn’t let him post offensive things on my wall or because I wouldn’t vote for the candidate he was supporting. I’m sorry, but these are not fireable offenses. Racism and sexism should get you fired, but not engaging in a voter fraud scheme? And yeah, guys, telling a person you’re going to call their boss and get them fired if they don’t vote the way you tell them to is voter intimidation and fraud.
The reason American men resort to this so often is the same reason these guys always assume my boss is male. I’m a woman and they expect me to do as I’m told. But I won’t because these guys trying to tell me what to do are really stupid. So their only resort is to literally call the patriarchy. There are unfortunately places where this could actually work. And in fact women and people of color do occupy considerably fewer upper management positions than white men so the assumption that a boss is male isn’t actually that far off the mark. That said, if you engage in “I’m gonna call your boss,” to try to intimidate a woman or person of color, you are a weak and despicable person.
6. The this-is-reverse-discrimination/you’re-sexist-for-not-letting-me-win.
I talked about this idea of racism and sexism just being “hurt feelings,” in my political correctness article. American guys are sucky because they’re never allowed to fail. This doesn’t mean they don’t fail constantly, it’s just that when they fail they’re told it’s fine. They’re inoculated and congratulated from and for their own failure. So American men lose all the time, but they never know it. When American men lose a debate or are called out on being failures it really hurts their feelings because that’s never happened to them before. They’re never shown just how much they suck or how much damage they’re doing to the world. And the problem is because of that they don’t understand the institutional quality of racism and sexism.
I don’t like being called the c word or a slut or even a b****. But as sexist as those words are they are not the entirety of sexism. Sexism is me having to spend years in higher education just to be taken seriously by men with no education and then them trying to nullify my knowledge and study by calling me elitist. Sexism is about the fact that men hold most of the Fortune 500 positions. Sexism is about rising maternal mortality in the United States and a lack of childcare. Racism, likewise, is about continued lynchings in the United States perpetrated by our own police. It’s about people of color making up only a tiny proportion of elected positions and being unable to go outside after dark or without their birth certificate folded up in their wallet. It’s about a higher level of incarceration despite similar levels of crime. That’s sexism and racism. It’s stuff that you have to deal with every damn day and which will eventually kill you. It’s not your feelings being hurt.
White American guys never experience racism or sexism. You just don’t. And yes, women and people of color are necessarily more suspicious of you because there’s a decent chance that you can and will murder them, but that’s not discrimination, that’s survival. So American guys, when you get your feelings hurt … I do not care. If you really do live by that tattoo about strength coming from temporary pain, then take the hit.
7. The men-are-just-genetically-predisposed-to-[whatever].
This is another one that cracks me up. I worked in an MS lab doing brain scans, and my doctorate is in Paleopathology with a pretty decent emphasis on Evolutionary Anthropology. So when you try this argument on me you’re going to get knowledge slapped.
Allow me to engage in premeditated knowledge slapping. Men are not genetically predisposed to do literally anything other than grow slightly taller and end up with more of what are called “entheseal changes.” (Entheseal changes are …. difficult to simply explain but you can sort of think about them as rugged ossifications of ligaments which can occur due to hormones, age, repeated injury, pathology and so on and so forth. They happen to appear more frequently in older men than any other demographic.) Basically, that’s it. Neurologically speaking women tend to have a just slightly larger corpus callosum and estrogen is more neuroprotective than testosterone. The reason women live longer and undergo menopause is because in the past women had to do everything men did and also have babies, so our bodies are now predisposed for endurance and we go through menopause so that we can make up for the lost work of our daughters and granddaughters as they have babies. Basically, not only are men not predisposed for anything, but if we’re really asking which is the more adaptive sex then women have the slight edge in just about everything.
And this is not to say that all men are stupid and weak — although with the way American men act I could easily make that argument — it just means that there’s nothing special about men vis-a-vis women. All your advantages are social and cultural. You do not have any neurological or biological edge.
8. The you-must-be-a-lesbian.
This goes back to the “why can’t I manipulate you by telling you you’re ugly,” arguments. Firstly, so what? No really, why is my supposed sexuality being brought up. Does it actually make a difference in any argument other than one about sexuality whether I prefer to sleep with men or women? Even if I hadn’t sworn off American men forever and regardless of my sexuality, this is a really silly attack. American men, you’re not going to get some after an argument online.
Let me tell you a story. During undergraduate and the year between undergraduate and my first Masters while I was saving up I met zero eligible men. I met a lot of single guys or guys that didn’t care that they weren’t single, but I met absolutely zero men I was interested in. Several of them were so furious that I didn’t find them interesting that they repeatedly called me a lesbian. Well, I had no interest in them and I knew of no attractive men at that point in my life so I thought they might have a point. As it turns out I did know quite a few attractive women, but I was sexually interested in none of them. I’m not a lesbian. As one actual lesbian who met me while I was going through this said, “no, you’re not even bi. You are exactly 0.01% gay.” What I didn’t understand at the time is the guys calling me a lesbian were saying it as an insult. They were mad I wasn’t into them and trying to insult me into proving I wasn’t gay. Which is weird. If I’m not into you I’m not into you. Same for any person. And these guys I found quite unattractive in every aspect. I suppose maybe they were trying to get me to tell them that they hadn’t turned me gay or something, but … you can’t catch gay. I know, because I tried.
So it’s just a weird thing to say. Do you just ignore actual lesbians in real life? Because that’s rather homophobic. And if you’re using “you’re a lesbian” to dismiss women then it means that you only value women who are boffable. And that would make you ridiculously misogynist. American guys, you call me a lesbian quite often, but the fact of the matter is you’re just saying that you American men are terrible homophobic and misogynist people who no decent woman would consider sleeping with. Don’t use that argument because it makes you look like a despicable creep.
9. The it’s-worse-in-Muslim-countries-why-are-you-complaining.
This one’s classic whataboutism. We’re not talking about “Muslim countries,” we’re talking about you. Saying it’s worse in “Muslim countries,” is like defending a murderer by saying, “other people have killed more.” And secondly, I’ve met Muslim men from “Muslim countries,” and they’re not as sexist as American men. There are a few who are just awful, but there’s also quite a few American men who are pure evil. And yes, there are countries in which you can be murdered because you were raped, but let’s compare that to what happens to rape victims in the American system. In the American system there is no formalized penalty for being raped, but your case will likely never go to trial, if you bring it to the police you will endure months to years of being insulted and second-guessed, you’ll lose your job, you’ll lose a lot of friends, and it puts you at greater risk of being sexually assaulted a second time.
But let’s get back to how Muslim men from Turkey, Pakistan, and the various Arabic countries behave. Most of them are pretty cool. I met exactly one guy I wanted to drop kick and that’s because he happened to be a coke addict and didn’t pay his rent. The rest of them were pretty awesome. They never demanded sex out of me even when it was clear that’s what they were after. They never demanded a relationship out of me even when it was clear that they had a thing for me. If I said something they listened. If I told them they were wrong about a thing they didn’t shut down. And in fact most of them behaved like perfect gentlemen. In contrast many American men have become violent and enraged when I refused to engage in sexual activity with them or did not give them my phone number. American men shut down when they find out I won’t agree with them and if I talk about literally anything to American men they cannot handle it. So American men, not only is it whataboutism that you’re saying sexism is worse in “Muslim countries,” it’s not even true. American men are usually more sexist than Muslim men. And not just by a little. The worst I dealt with from Muslim men other than that one coke head was that they were kinda like, “oh you’re a beautiful woman I’m going to treat you like a perfect jewel.” With American men I routinely deal with the threat of or actual violence. American men are failing hard and they’re using an excuse of behavior that is to them so much better than what they’re doing now as to be unattainable.
Sexism in America is the fault of American men. There’s no two ways about it. And of the cultural sexism I have experienced, the American style is the worst. There’s no way around it, and there’s no excuse. While it’s possible that other worse forms of sexism do exist and while those are in other countries legally encoded to a greater degree than they are in America none of that is an excuse for American sexism. I’m talking about American men right now and American men have failed in this area. Clean it up, guys.
10. The women-already-have-equal-rights.
This one is just deeply frustrating. The problem with this one is it’s like vaccines. Feminism is a victim of its own success. Back in the 1960s my grandmother and her sister found out that they were being expected to do a job that was supposed to come with a higher title than they held as well as a larger paycheck. It was sort of managerial accountancy. There was one guy in this factory where they worked who did have that title and position and I’m not sure how but they found out what he was doing was exactly the same as what they were doing and that he was being paid more. They took it to the man above them. I believe by this point my grandmother had already been widowed. So she was raising my mother and uncle on her own. Her sister and my great-grandmother were lending a hand, because that’s what women do, but at the end of the day she had to provide the money for my mom’s and uncle’s food, education, clothes, and medicine. She really could have used that money.
So she marched herself into that office and demanded a raise. And the boss said no. So she asked him why the other guy should have such a high salary and she should be paid not a red cent more than the people she was charged with supervising. The answer was that the other guy had a family. Note again, my grandmother was by this point the sole provider for her two children. She responded with, “Do you think my children’s shoes cost less than his?” She never did get that raise. Nor did her sister. And I’ve already told you how sexism has effected my mother. As for me, certainly it’s been a bit less, but I also have to deal with threats of violence, people constantly tell me I can’t possibly be that bright, my accomplishments are perpetually dismissed, and about once a month I have to explain specifically why a woman would do what it is I do. And of course statistically I can expect to be paid less than a man in my position and I’ve already watched men in my position be given more leeway, opportunities, and advancements than me.
But this is the problem. Sexism still exists and women do not have equal rights, but I do actually have slightly more rights and expectation of equal treatment than my grandmother did. I’m not going to get into ERA and the Lilly Ledbetter Act except to say these are things that should have happened back when our country was founded and while both did happen during my Grandmother’s lifetime, the Equal Rights Amendment still hasn’t been adopted and with the interference from Justice Scalia it is unlikely that I or even any daughters I may have will live to be treated equally under the law. But because I do have it slightly better than my Grandmother American men and even some American women will argue that that’s enough. Feminism is a victim of its own success. The closer we get to equality the harder it is to argue for equality.
But my standard response to this is as follows. American democracy was founded on the principle that our Congress should look like our population. Well, our population includes people of color, LGBTQ people and over half of it is female. That means Congress — assuming we’re still working with a properly American democracy — should also include a fair proportion of people of color LGBTQ individuals, and half of those people should be female. In 2018 Americans elected the most diverse Congress in the history of our country. Yay! Less then a quarter of that Congress is female. That is not equality. That’s not even halfway to equality. It’s better than it was, but it’s not even close to where it needs to be.
And this is the fault once again …. of American men. American men are afraid of equality because they cannot compete on equal footing. That’s absolutely true and I understand this. This is why I’m not sleeping with American men. American men are failure in human form. But guys, you’re holding your country back. When you, “weren’t comfortable” voting for a woman, you got us the worst President in the history of our nation. And because you aren’t comfortable with women running for office our economy is not keeping pace with the rest of the world, our healthcare sucks, our education is faltering, and we have a kinda pathetic environmental record. You might say that that’s not related to the sex of a candidate, but then you’d be wrong again. Women do more in office than men, and women are more likely to back progressive legislation than men. This is because women go into leadership positions with the intention of improving everyone’s situation while men go in with the intention of improving their own personal status. Women are motivated patriots while men are just in it for the ego boost and money. And sure, there’s a few good men in office. Like John Lewis. He’s pretty cool. But he’s also the exception to the rule. Guys, if you truly TRULY are voting for the best person for the job then you would have a Congress that is majority female. Your fear of losing your position is destroying your position.
In conclusion the American empire is crumbling not due to marauding Vikings and crazy horseback archers, but due to the cowardice and selfishness of American men. American men truly suck. You are pathetic and sad. Prove me wrong by doing better.