No, I won’t be Thanking Bernie

Ariadne Schulz
6 min readApr 8, 2020

You control how you vote and I don’t owe you a damn thing.

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images

I’m an American living abroad so while most of you had champagne breakfasts or — more likely given it’s COVID-19 quarantine time and despite all the rumours you probably can’t afford champagne — whatever the hell you had on hand, it wasn’t until about 16:30 my time that I learned Sanders was dropping out. By 17:00 he was making his speech, and by 17:20 I realised I had been a bit too quick to celebrate.

In the words of that little orphan robot from Futurama, “you raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly.”

As it turns out he’s … not … actually … I can’t even complete this sentence so instead I’ll just link this.

Yeah. That’s Donald Trump aka the guy who is responsible for the deaths of small children at the border and thousands of Americans because of this pandemic and who definitely rapes women and possibly children making more sense than Bernie Sanders. So that’s nice. But he has a point. It really doesn’t make any sense that Sanders is supposedly dropping out if he’s keeping his delegates and also not endorsing Biden.

But this is not just about Trump being more lucid than Sanders. I mean, that’s horrifying and all, but this is sort of a deep fried onion of horror. My apologies to anyone who’s really into deep fried onions. I don’t really object to the idea, it’s just the execution which is a bit Lovecraftian to me.

Pictured: Tentacles. Alternatively, the Year of our Lord 2020.

What really gets me about this is *sigh* manifold and non-Euclidean. Well, probably not non-Euclidean but I’m having difficulty ranking all this and I’m mad so that’s what we’re going with for the time being.

Ariadne Schulz

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.