Jarvanka is BIG MAD

Lincoln Project is in the Burn Book, Evidently.

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Jarvanka finally discovering that the billboards Lincoln Project gave it, “make you gain weight like crazy.” (Mean Girls, 2004. Paramount Pictures)

So, Ivanka Trump has always been trying to make fetch happen. She genuinely thinks she’s going to be first lady President after her daddy dies in the middle of his fourth term and she steps in because she was named as his acting Vice President. Stop trying to make it happen Ivanka. It’s not going to happen.

Anyways, the government has these little guidelines about promoting products with the implication that they’re government approved, taking bribes, using your office for self-enrichment, and nepotism. Actually, they’re not so much guidelines as regulations and law. As in if you violate these you could be fined or go to jail.

And as I think we all know at this point Jarvanka have violated more or less all of the laws and regulations. I actually looked up “obscure federal regulations,” to see if I could make a joke about one Jarvanka actually haven’t violated, but the problem is I am relatively certain that they’ve engaged in such criminal activity as using wine labels to insult people, knowingly leaving the country with too many nickels, selling cheese without holes, using lasers in an attempt to change the weather, and being obtrusively smelly in the Library of Congress. I mean, this is speculative. I cannot prove that either Jared or Ivanka did any of this but it does seem like things they’d do. Really, the only thing on this list that I suspect they DIDN’T do is the thing about falconry.

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Pictured: Not Jarvanka. (Makpal Abdrazakova. Dennis Keen, 2010 Kazakhstan)

Because honestly, Jarvanka is just not cool enough for falcons.

But all kidding aside — momentarily because this is just hilarious and I have no skin in the game — Jared and Ivanka are both incredibly corrupt and could well be facing serious charges both state and federal in a few month’s time.

Ivanka, for instance, mysteriously had her Chinese trademark requests fast-tracked when daddy-dearest took office during which time she was a federal employee alongside her husband, Jared Kushner.

She is also no stranger to criminal activity as she took massive “consulting fees,” from her father to help him and his company evade federal taxes. And as this qualifies as tax fraud she could be facing, just for this charge up to five years in prison. But I don’t imagine she’s too scared because she beat a similar charge in 2012.

Jared Kushner meanwhile leveraged his position in the Trump administration to force the Qatari investors to bail out his property at — and I couldn’t have made this up if I tried — 666 Fifth Avenue. And if you think that’s bad just recall that there is reasonable speculation that far from just not holding Mohammed Bin Salman responsible for the brutal and deranged murder of the Saudi-American journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Kushner may have ordered the hit.

But while Jarvanka would be mafia-like if mafiosos were incredibly stupid, and while the above was just a sort of amuse bouche of their criminal activity, daddy’s worse.

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He knows all the best criminals. (CNN)

Inexplicably, Trump still actually has people who will vote for him. It’s confusing but then again, all of Hitler’s toadies liked him too so … I dunno I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Trump has ignored laws, regulations, and precedent and his actions both legal and illegal have destroyed families, are directly related to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans, has caused the economy to crash, and has plummeted the reputation of the United States in the international community. Trump may even be on the line with the International Criminal Court.

Naturally, rather than deal with any of the issues a President’s supposed to deal with Trump left it to Jarvanka, took a golfing day(s), charged the Secret Service for golf cart use among other things, and blamed all his problems on Hillary Clinton and the “liberal media.”

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“Hillary Clinton is a grotsky little biatch and made out with Coach Carr.” (Mean Girls, 2004. Paramount Pictures)

Anyways, Jarvanka was directly involved in the mishandling of the COVID-19 pandemic and in their capacity as advisors to the President are responsible at least in part for the hundreds of thousands of deaths as well as the morbidity that will follow Americans for years to come. Whether or not this makes them criminally or even civilly liable is somewhat questionable because — not a lawyer — but one would have to prove that they were intentionally negligent and malicious. The term mens rea or guilty mind comes up a lot in the legal blogs I follow and … I mean, good luck proving that. This is why I stick to palaeopathology. But anyway, they were part of the mishandling of the pandemic and this is a thing they did.

During one of the meetings on COVID-19 Jared was talking about governors and mayors who hurt his big boy feelings and said in reference to Cuomo that New Yorkers, “are going to suffer, and that’s their problem.” The context of the conversation was that Jared felt that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo had not been sufficiently obsequious and therefore it was acceptable to let people suffer and die.

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I am, as always, very proud of myself.

Remember how Marie Antoinette’s beheading was supposedly justified by her having said “let them eat cake,” when presented with the complaint that Parisians could not afford bread? If she said that — and it is somewhat doubtful she did — it was a flippant comment by a short-sighted young woman who’s entire purpose was to wear pretty things, make occasional witty statements and produce heirs. She was not mad that Parisians didn’t like her husband and therefore “all deserve to die,” she was trying to be funny. I’m not saying people should run out and guillotine Jared Kushner for being so incredibly insensitive and criminally cruel, but WOW did Marie Antoinette not deserve her fate.

The Lincoln Project which, apparently was a conservative group in the before-times but has recently been putting out some really amazing ads like Donald Trump as Eva Peron and just putting a Fox interview to a Seinfeld laugh track, paid for side-by-side billboards in Times Square just … you know … pointing out Jarvanka’s “work” on the pandemic.

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I can’t imagine why Jarvanka is upset with this. (NOAM GALAI VIA GETTY IMAGES)

I am intentionally burying the lede here because … well, I have a severe mischievous streak and this is just too much fun. But you may have noted in your time as an American resident or citizen or someone who pays attention to American politics that politicians and even celebrities and public figures do not generally file defamation lawsuits even if something just truly awful was said about them. This is because the burden of proof for a public figure — and yes, Jarvanka is a public figure — is insanely high.

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Copyright © 2002 Kenneth & Gabrielle Adelman, California Coastal Records Project, www.californiacoastline.org

And also there’s this thing called the Streisand effect. Basically there was an aerial photo of a coastline which included Barbara Streisand’s mansion and she tried to sue to supress it and as a result it blew up. Basically, if you want a bad look or a private thing about you to go away and you’re a public figure the best thing you can do is just …. let it go.

So instead of doing that, Jarvanka decided to throw themselves directly into the charnel pit:

Letter from Kasowitz Benson Torres LLP warning of a defamation lawsuit if the billboards are not removed.
Apparently, there’s a similar case about wolf porn and how Lindsey Ellis DARED to talk about copyright.

I probably don’t need to explain how incredibly stupid this is, but I will anyways because again, it’s fun. (Pretty sure this exact sentence appears in basically all of my articles.) Again, it’s the Streisand effect. I am residing in London right now and as funny as I find the Lincoln Project, I do not obsessively stan them. I have upwards of ten friends in New York City specifically but still, I never would have known about these billboards if Jarvanka hadn’t decided to sue. And sure, these billboards are preaching to the choir. New Yorkers are kind of on permanent lockdown right now, but they know who’s killing them. Honestly, as funny as this whole situation is I really don’t understand why Lincoln Project spent so much money telling New York something they already knew.

Unless the Lincoln Project knew that Jarvanka was both litigious and stupid enough to sue over it thereby making it an international thing.

“How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Jarvanka?” *Entire Country Raises Their Hands*

The only thing that makes sense here from Jarvanka’s perspective is if Michael Wolff’s statement that Ivanka genuinely thinks she can be President is true. In that case Jarvanka may be hoping that they can just blame all the malfeasance on daddy dearest and build their own brand on his leavings plus anyone still foolish enough to believe that they’re not complicit.

While there is a world in which that could still happen — Ivanka is the model white supremacist woman, after all — the Democrats won’t have them and the Republican Party is a combination of rather chagrin for this whole Trump nonsense in the first place and in the throes of death. While most of the derision for the Trump administration is aimed directly at the orange man himself, Jarvanka’s corruption was already widely known particularly in urban areas like New York.

I can’t imagine why Jarvanka thought this was a good idea, but … I guess now the entire world knows that they’re using daddy dearest’s position to line their own pockets and are litigious as hell. Sadly, there is a possibility that they will escape prosecution for their various crimes even unrelated to the pandemic, but I really don’t see them mounting a comeback after this. I think this is the end of Jarvanka’s political aspirations whether they yet know it, or not.

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Lincoln Project, for your service, Americans salute you. (Ilana Rose Glazer as Ilana Wexler in Broad City, Comedy Central)

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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