I Think Donald Trump May Have Fundamentally Misunderstood the Terms of Our Arrangement …

A story in rather disappointing screenshots.

Pictured: neither Fortitude nor Patience. (Image copyright here.)

This morning when I checked my email — aside from the standard useless crap and WaPo newsletters I got this:

So, I was really excited right? I mean you can tell, because I opened all of these. I was hoping for new creative crazy that I could exploit for my Medium posts. Especially, “Joe Biden who?” and “We think there was a mistake,” looked especially promising. I mean, I LOVED the email where he falsely claimed credit for a bunch of things the Democratic House had accomplished and simultaneously accused Joe Biden of some undefined horror. And … I mean, Biden is definitely many things, but a “mad Arab,” he is not. (That’s a Lovecraft reference rather than a reference to anything Trump’s said. Which is unfortunate but you should probably get used to absolutely hopeless disappointment.)

Anyways, so the following are those four emails opened up and put side by side.

I’m sad because besides the really poor writing and atrocious formatting there’s not much material here. I thought I was going to get four different varieties of crazy but it’s just a blinged out version of Oliver asking if he could please have some more porridge, sir.

Let it never be said that I use my time unwisely.

I suppose the juxtaposition of text in the second and third emails is slightly amusing in that he claims in the second that I’m one of his most “LOYAL” supporters, but in the second said my contribution is “STILL MISSING [sic].” Note: Even if I were a total jerk with expendable income — and I’m not, I’m actually having a lot of trouble keeping the lights on — I certainly wouldn’t be sending Trump of all people my extras. So it is kinda laughable that his campaign is trying to build me up as one of their most loyal contributors when I never have and never will give them a red cent, but this really isn’t the level of comedy I’ve grown to expect from these emails and I’m frankly, rather disappointed.

What I have done is written the GOP and told them to send me money. Inexplicably they haven’t. I mean, I gave them absolutely no reason to do so nor a venmo or paypal into which to deposit the funds but still. I think if Trump gets to be President something something I should randomly get $100 million from the GOP.

And you may ask, “why on earth would you write the GOP and demand money from them??” Which would be a valid question, but you see, I was bored. Also, just a smidge angry. I have actually done crazier things. Like one time, I punched a cow. Not, herded or cut cattle, although I’ve done that too, briefly. No. I haymakered a bovine. It’s a long story.

You might be wondering why I’m so disappointed at the lack of crazy in these emails. Trump is not known for his ability to handle money well so you might be thinking that I should expect his fundraising emails to be lacklustre in all respects. Well, … yes.

But also, we need to put this in historical context because I’m not just writing comedy here. I’m writing history. Or something.

Screenshots of today’s home pages for the New York Times and Washington Post.

Also note: there is still a worldwide pandemic raging which has killed over 100k Americans. Both of these front pages have links for Coronavirus news, but go ahead and find them. It’s like “Where’s Waldo.” So we’ve got all this apocalyptic imagery going on and a major issue within it that has straight up killed 370,000 people the plurality of whom were American, you can barely find evidence of on either front page of two of the biggest nationwide newspapers for the US. That’s not a joke. I can’t make that funny. But this is the historical context of these fundraising emails I’m getting from Sir William the Orange.

Additionally, the White House was in lockdown for an hour yesterday as protesters grappled for barricades with Secret Service and when Twitter started fact checking Trump’s tweets and put content warnings on his calls for violence (yes, he actually called for the shooting of protesters,) he signed an Executive (possibly) Order in an attempt to intimidate social media companies.

So, I feel like I’ve been cheated here. I was hoping for some absolute vintage crazy and all I got was poorly formatted stupid. What am I supposed to do with this? Add tonic water and call it a spritzer??

Honestly, I wouldn’t trust any liquid including and especially wine from Trump because if history is any indication there’s a really high chance it’s literally just urine. (For recipe for an ACTUAL spritzer and copyright of this image go here. I’m probably not helping with their bottom line tho’.)

But unfortunately for now that’s all I got from him. Which is truly disappointing. I mean, not only is this guy dismantling our electoral system from a position he wasn’t even elected into and trying to undo our Constitution while calling for violence and directly contributing to a startling rise in American casualties and the debasement of our international reputation, but he’s also not entertaining specifically me. I have to say, the most frustrating part of these whole past it-feels-like-million years is that I can genuinely and truthfully say that I would have done a better job. I mean, of course HRC would have. She was FLOTUS, a New York Senator, and Secretary of State and that’s just her CV. She could have easily been a historical top five President. And she would have been our first woman.

But aside from that I can state with absolute certainty that I could be and would have been a better President than Donald Trump. Yeah, I’ve got a doctorate and I am a smart lady, but I should not be able to say of anyone that I would be better at their job than they are and I especially shouldn’t be able to say it about a President or even Senator or Representative. And yet here we are. Search your heart, Luke. You know it to be true.

But yeah. Instead we’ve got a dude competing with James Buchanan for worst President ever. He’s actually making a really great case for it too. Buchanan is largely blamed for the Civil War which I think isn’t entirely fair, but assuming it is over 600k Americans died in that war. Which makes sense because it was a failed and poorly thought through rebellion in which both sides were almost exclusively American. But Trump’s just racking up his kill count. I pray he doesn’t get even halfway to that 600k mark but wow, is he trying.

So yeah, well done, all you people who thought a Trump Presidency wasn’t the end of the world. Well done.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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