I Stayed on Trump’s Campaign Email List and what I found will Shock You

It all started with an attachment accidently left on one of the emails

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Shocking, I tell you! (Source)

I’m clearly not a fan of Trump’s. I signed up for his campaign emails because it allowed me to book free tickets to his rallies and then not go, take his polls and verbally abuse him in the “Other” free-write section, and mess up his algorithm. Sometimes I open the emails out of morbid fascination, but for the most part they just go to a folder marked “Dumpster Fire.”

So you can imagine my surprise when I noticed a campaign email with an attachment.

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Seriously dude. People eat at times during the day.

The email was normal, if a little boring. Just their logo, and a standard somewhat ridiculous request for money accompanied by a highly photoshopped thumbnail of Donald Trump still looking incredibly repulsive. They claimed — as they had been recently wont to do — that they would match the contribution by a ridiculous percentage that would rapidly run afoul of dwindling campaign finance law. They claimed, despite evidence that the election hadn’t been fair.

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I mean, I am the “Radical Left,” but sure.

But as I scrolled down … I saw it.

There it was under all the fine print at the bottom of the email where attachments are usually found. It was a .txt file as opposed to an .exe so ignoring my mother’s admonitions to never open email attachments from creepy old men, I did.

What I found explains everything.

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(I added line 27 when I realized …)

Here’s a transcript:

// @Author Giuliani
/**
* Returns appropriate Republican response to foreign election interference and results.
* Earns $20,000 per diem
* Rudy, you genius.
*
* @param winning_party String name type food
* @return true if winning_party is democrat false otherwise (we don’t care of other results)
* @return always true for bookingConference. We win, or we WIN BIG.
*/
function interference(winning_party) {
if(winning_party == “democrat”){
return “CoRruPT dEMoCraTs”;
}
else if (winning_party == “republican”){
return “of course not”;
}
else {
return “liberal snowflakes”
}
}

function bookingConference(winning_party){
if(winning_party == “democrat”){
// Guliani being lazy… no params
bookingConference(“Four Seasons”);
}
else if(winning_party == “republicans”){
bookingConference(“Mar A Lago”, “golf”, “cheeseburger”);
}
else {
bookingConference(“Dye hard”, “Hair Club For Men”);
}
}

function bookingConference(name, type, food){
if(!type){
type = “landscaping”
}
if(!food){
food = null;
}


return success;
}

It explains EVERYTHING.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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