Human, HUMAN. Hi, I need to talk at you.

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Photo by Jae Park on Unsplash

Hi, human cleaner of the litterbox and provider of the tuna. I’m so glad you were willing to have this chat. We do need to talk. Well, I need to talk. You need to be a good human. Yes, I am cute and yes, you may scritch my ears, thank you very much.

Anyways, to business. I note that of late you have been spending more time in the kitty cave which you misattribute as your “home” or “apartment.” That’s fine. You’re welcome here even if I do have to bring you mice since you’re so poor at hunting. You are after all, my human. This is why I rub your legs. BUT, human you’re getting a little soft. Now that’s still fine but you were much better when you left the kitty cave from time to time.

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I’m entirely innocent and not plotting anything at all. Additionally, you are definitely not in danger. (Photo by Ramiz Dedaković on Unsplash)

Now, I’ve linked your increasing softness to your failures at the hunt, human. And also your terrible diet. Why do you eat leaves, human?? The only time you should eat vegetables is when you turn your head sideways into a potted plant, get pollen all over your face, act innocent like you didn’t do anything and then barf on the floor because you ate too fast. THAT is correct behaviour. Did no one teach you manners when you were a kitten, human?

I have a plan for helping you get into hunting shape, human. Firstly, I’d like you to jump up on top of that bookcase. You’re big, it should be no problem. Human. Human. Get up there. Come now, I haven’t got all day. I need to run around crazy-like and then take a nap in a sunbeam.

Okay, clearly you’re not listening.

The other thing you can do human is put your meals in a little ball and bat it around the house so the food falls out and you can eat it off the floor. I’m sure nothing bad can come of that. That will also help with your reflexes so eventually you can come hunting with me.

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Really human, most learn this stuff as kittens. (Photo by Rotiv Artic on Unsplash)

Also human, you spend far too much time staring and meowing at the people in the box. Why are you doing that? Boxes are for sitting in, but you’re just not the right shape for that one. And I’ve inspected it, I don’t think you can get those humans out of that box. I went around to the back and there’s nothing there, so I really do think you’re wasting your time. Also, I can’t smell those humans. It’s weird.

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This flower vase? Throw it on the floor. (Photo by Josh Couch on Unsplash)

Anyways human, I am genuinely worried about you. Not ONCE have I seen you throw stuff off the mantle. You should try it. Especially if you insist on only going out of the kitty cave for my tuna. Just sit yourself up on top of the mantle and drop things off of it. You’ll feel much better, human. I promise. It is very stress relief.

Lastly, we need to talk about your grooming habits. No, I realize that this is an uncomfortable conversation to be having but you don’t have enough fur for me to always be cleaning you so you need to clean yourself. I don’t really understand why you insist on standing under the inside rain all the time. It’s very weird, but if you need to work on your flexibility so you can bathe properly we can work on that together.

I’m glad we had this talk, human. Please proffer your head so I can forehead boop you.

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Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful. (Photo by Joyful on Unsplash)

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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