Hotdogs are Sandwiches

If You Disagree, you are a Degenerate

There are people in this world who will tell you the gloriousness that is a Chicago style hot-dog is not a sandwich, but just a hotdog. These are the same people who will tell you the toilet roll goes over, that it’s pronounced “aluMINium,” and that lemons are just yellow limes. These people are what is WRONG WITH AMERICA.

You may think this is just a little issue. This is not a little issue, my friends. This is a slippery slope. This is a slide towards a precipice of lawlessness which threatens to undermine the very basis of what we put our mustard on.

I don’t know about you but I am a red-blooded, American, hotdog lover and I will STAND UP for the integrity of relish.

And if you wish to challenge me, if you are so foolish as to believe your opinion and anecdotal evidence can hold a candle to my facts and statistics then you are WRONG. I have CHARTS.

Fig. 1: The Sandwich Alignment Chart (matttomic, 2017)

In Fig. 1 we have the data aligned on two axes those being ingredients and structure. A hotdog falls directly in the centre of all sandwich definitions. Is not an ice cream sandwich a sandwich? Of course it is. Would you not eat a burrito for lunch given the choice? OF COURSE YOU WOULD. Ergo, therefore, and ipso facto a hotdog is a sandwich.

Fig. 2: A two-dimensional visualization of possible sandwich arrangements. (ButIDontBother, 2018)

Fig. 2 shows an arrangement of sandwich possibilities on the same two axes but providing additional examples. Hotdogs fall once again clearly at the centre. The only sort of person who could argue that hotdogs are not sandwiches would be a deeply conservative purist aka a BAD PERSON. I myself being an awesome person am inclusive in my sandwichivity. I am not currently arguing for the inclusion of pop-tarts in the sandwich society, but I do believe they should be accepted.

I am calling on all lovers of good food, all gourmands, all believers in the integrity of the palette to INCLUDE hotdogs in the sandwich matrix of your consciousness. Open your heart and let the kosher meat in. (And then maybe have a salad, ’cause you know: cholesterol.)

If today you go out and have a hotdog for lunch then I salute you and say: ENJOY YOUR SANDWICH.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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