Donald Trump is Ready for His Close Up

Poor Mr. DeMille has been a horrified stone statue since about January 20, 2017

Some days I have to dig deep for content and other days it is just delivered straight into my inbox. I give you, the Trump campaign fundraising email.

So, you’ll note there is an “unsubscribe,” option up there, but this is the same email list that sends me his hilariously unhinged “polls.” So I refuse. I actually sent his campaign an email saying that if they paid me $100,000,000 I’d consider us even. If they actually do (lols) I’ll use that unsubscribe option, but I’ll also use my newfound wealth to bring him and all his cronies down.

But this stuff is truly great and we’ve got to go through it. I’m not really clear how I got on this list, but it is comedy gold. And guys. Guys. THIS IS NOT SATIRE. This is his actual campaign fundraising email. I screenshot only the top half but the bottom half lets you donate money.

But for fun — and yes, I’m an academic and therefore my definition of “fun” is likely very different from yours — let us deconstruct this delicious madness.

First off, there are no links in that email aside from the donation buttons I did not screencap. All of that text you see up there including what’s underlined and in red is just text. There’s no hyperlinks embedded. So if you thought this was going to be a deep dive into crazy … no. Donald Trump is in all ways deeply disappointing. Even his crazy is one dimensional.

But this is still a delicious morsel so let’s see what we’ve got here.


Okay. I mean, I’ve seen this claim on Twitter a lot, but not from any reasonable and confirmable humans. Also, guilty of what?

“Oh how the tables have turned”

Sure. I mean that’s how your Lazy-Susan is supposed to work. But if this is supposed to indicate that Trump’s in a better position at the minute, well that’s just foolishness. I don’t think any serious person believes that.

Then there’s the claim that:

“Joe Biden used the federal government to ILLEGALLY SPY on my 2016 campaign and to further the Russian Collusion Delusion. Can you believe it?”

Honestly, I kinda love this one. Because firstly, he’s usually on about Obama spying on him and secondly … just no. This is a verifiably false claim and has been so since 2018. For two years this has been known to be false. And we also have the Mueller Report indicating that Trump did actually collude with Russia so … yeah.

I’m going to skip straight over the next few claims because they’re just idiocy and things that I would cross out with a red ink pen if a student put them in an essay but …

Let’s discuss this next claim.

“Then, they IMPEACHED ME for being a perfect President.”

Again, I just love this. Like, dude. No. No, dude. You don’t get impeached for being “perfect,” and you were definitely not. You were impeached for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress both of which you did. There are — as you oft repeat — three years worth of evidence against you. And no one even cited the Malleus Maleficarum.

And then he claims he was “acquitted.” That’s playing seriously fast and loose with the meaning of that word. The Senate did not remove him which is technically an acquittal in that he did not face punishment for his crimes. But the Senate is not a court of law. The Senate is explicitly not a court of law and cannot impose under any circumstances penalties exceeding removal from office. But this does not mean he won’t be tried for other crimes in an actual court of law and he may even be subject to similar charges in an actual federal court after he leaves office. He cannot be criminally charged until then. So … yeah he escaped judgement for now, but this doesn’t mean he’s innocent at all nor does it keep him from being charged and even imprisoned later.

And then, then we get into the truly amazing part of all this.

Once again, I’m not really clear what Biden’s supposed crimes are. There’s no indication in this email anywhere of what Trump’s criminal enterprise is pointing to regarding Biden’s supposed guilt. I mean, they’ve made up a lot of stuff, but they have been throwing things at the walls known as Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden since 2016 to see what sticks and nothing really has so … maybe this is a mistake? Maybe they thought they’d have something by now and this was accidentally sent out before they really did?

But whatever, I just kinda adore this claim. Like, have you ever met a kid where you know the parents are neglectful and abusive but because they’re also the type that insists their kid is a genius and his throwing other’s laptops on the floor is just an expression of creativity you can’t really do anything to help? This claim reminds me of something a kid like that would say.

There’s nothing behind it: it’s just poorly articulated rage and it is indicative of a very disordered mind and/or home life. And of course the sentence a bit further down backs that up even further:

“We are halfway through the month and now that Sleepy Joe is a certified CROOK, I want to make a statement SO BIG that even while he’s hiding in his basement, he won’t be able to ignore us.”

Again there’s a claim that Biden’s done some undefined something, but the part that got me was this need for attention. I don’t know if Trump dictated this absurdly stupid thing or if his psychological issues are contributing to a climate of mental malaise among his staff but the idea that he wants to do something “SO BIG … he won’t be able to ignore,” sounds a lot like the logic of a neglected child. That is deeply pathetic, but the White House is where the President is supposed to work and live. It’s not an adult care facility for the psychologically impaired.

The best/worst part about this is I’m not at all making a huge breakthrough here. This was written about at length in The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump. One of the first essays included has a theory that Donald underwent some sort of painful experience in his preadolescence and has been unable to mentally or psychologically progress past that point.

Again, given his family’s means before he bankrupted it several times over that’s deeply pathetic, but it also does not excuse him from having a hand in the death of tens of thousands of Americans, breaking the law in multiple creative ways, and degrading our Constitution and institutions.

I can’t really say that this is the depth of Donald’s depraved psychological disturbance, but it is a. deeply hilarious and b. from a man so criminal and evil I don’t really feel even the slightest twinge of guilt for mocking his disability. I do think Donald Trump and his family — aside from being hilariously inept and stupid — are incredibly dangerous and need to be put behind bars in perpetuity. But we can certainly have a good laugh at their expense along the way.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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