Twelve things Berners tell me and why I think they’re precious.

Bernie Sanders supporters are known for their incredibly divisive self-righteous attitudes. On more than one occasion members of my family have expressed concern that I might be targeted for violence due to my outspoken insistence on actually vetting man who’s put himself forward as a candidate for President. And they’re not being paranoid. At least two women I follow on twitter have been victims of a SWAT attack. That is Bernie supporters not only doxxed them, but called up their local police and filed a false report causing a SWAT team to attack their residence. These two women were specifically targeted for that because they are both black and therefore are at greater statistical risk of being killed by police.

So, to simplify this, a movement known for being largely white and male were so threatened by a pair of black female authors and their political opinion that they took out a racially motivated hit on them with the hopes of silencing them and anyone who held similar political beliefs. And these same guys get upset when I compare them to the Hitler youth movement. (Specifically, they’ll remind me that Bernie’s totes def Jewish. They’ve never asked if I, with my name, might myself be Jewish, but Bernie totes def is and therefore above reproach except free Palestine.)

This isn’t really funny at all, because basically Bernie and Trump supporters are violently suppressing free political speech and they’re doing it along gender and racial lines. This is a terrifying time to be an educated woman.

But, the only weakness the devil has is laughter so, here we go.

  1. You’re a neolib centrist SHILL!!!!!1!!!1!!
    I’m really not. For the most part, you’ll have to take my word on this because I’m not currently running for office and therefore my policy proposals are all unpublished, but no, I’m not a French aristocrat looking to protect the economic interests of … okay so I’m being a little facetious. And it is true that I am a bit of a globalist. But I’m a globalist for climate and humanitarian rather than market reasons which means I’m super far left and also definitely NOT a neoliberal by either the actual definition, the newer definition, or whatever the hell the Berniebros have agreed it means.
    But I have to say my favorite part of this smear is the “shill,” bit. Cracks me up every time. For guys so focused on money and economics I guess they forgot to calculate how much it would cost to buy votes. Hint: it’s astronomical. Even with Bernie’s possibly illegal super PAC he couldn’t afford it and neither can most candidates. And for the record, my price is five million dollars. And that’s just for my vote.
  2. Bernie marched with MLK.
    Okay. Cool. I mean, he only participated in that march much less “marched with MLK,” he did it according to his own words for workers’ rights rather than racial equality, he peaced out pretty quick after his white privilege let him get away with just a small fine, and he’s done absolutely nothing since, but sure.
  3. *humble brag* I’m a bit of a political junkie.
    Lols. No. I mean, I had to show you where to find the congressional records so … no.
  4. Bernie has the most diverse staff/following IN HISTORY!!!!1!!1!!!
    I’ll take things that are categorically untrue for $100, Alex. I kid. So Sanders has hired a few more women and people of colour for his 2020 campaign and as I understand it he even let them be in the senior staff tier. But in 2016 his senior staff was entirely white and male and there was a culture of sexual harassment in his campaign which led to at least one sexual assault. During his time in the House he was actually criticised by conservatives for not employing women and when he did paying them less than their male counterparts. But more to the point it’s pretty common for Congresspeople and Presidential candidates to have more diverse staffs than Bernie Sanders. Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris both managed it and so do most Democrats and even some Republicans.
  5. No one’s a better feminist than Bernie!!!!!1!!!
    … feminists have rankings? Well, shit, where am I? Again, this one’s easily debunked. Sanders has been dismissive of women’s rights and even said voting for a woman was sexist. I don’t really understand the logic of that, but I am but a feeble woman. I do not have access to Van Helsing’s “man brain.” (Sorry, I reread Dracula about five years ago and I’m still giggling. BTWs, Mina’s a goddamn genius. Like, damn, they should do a steampunk about her using her superior knowledge of the British train schedule to hunt vampires. I would definitely read that.)
    Also, whereas other politicians have history of sponsoring bills which would protect women’s rights, advance women in education or the workplace, fight for equal rights in the military, get us equal pay or maternity leave Sanders has done nothing. Every now and again he’ll say he’s for all that but when the CHIPs are down he sits on his hands. Usually the excuse is that we, you know the majority of humans on earth, aren’t important enough, but yeah he has no history as any sort of feminist let alone teh bestest.
  6. You’re voting against your interests!!!!/VAGINA VOTER!!!!!!
    The mere fact that anyone would dare to say this to me is indicative of pervasive sexism in our society. But it’s also kinda hilariously wrong. I’m not gonna go check but I’m pretty sure it was Madison who stressed in the Federalist Papers that representatives should actually represent their constituents. That is, they should basically be the same “identity.” So that means by the standards of the Federalist Papers we’re not a constitutional democracy because not enough women have been elected to serve. My interests as a woman are not being represented. But the other thing is … I’m a grown ass woman. Putting to one side that I brush my teeth with an encyclopedia my mamma raised me to know what’s right. I can decide who I’m going to vote for by myself and I don’t need some guy telling me how to run my life.
  7. tl;dr
    Wait, you’re bragging about being ignorant? Really? I mean … that’s more or less Trump’s modus operandi, but hey man, you do you. And I will admit, it is exhausting doing one’s civic duty. There’s a LOT of material out there that needs digesting. But if you’re trying to argue for political change but don’t want to articulate what exactly you want or understand the basis of change or what even you yourself are proposing … firstly why are you doing any of that and secondly, oh my god, why would you actually tell me you’re being intentionally obtuse. I mean, it’s funny. I am entertained. But it’s kinda like when someone with a congenital neurological disorder mistakes a dry cow pie for a big cookie and starts eating it. It’s funny, but you feel horrible for laughing and you need to make sure they stop.
  8. Economics are more important ’cause they effect everyone/are the root of all inequality.
    Only a white guy can say this with a straight face. Well, no, that’s not true. There exist African Americans who vote Republican and white supremacist women so all things are technically possible. But you’ve got to be incredibly deluded to think this is true. Black people are shot by police because they’re black. The police don’t have magic financial vision goggles that let them go, “oh that black guy is poor, we should shoot specifically him.” And my bank account is not *really* going to protect me from sexual assault. Just ask the Fox News ladies. And yeah, economic inequality does effect everyone, but if you fix it and ignore the root sociological causes of it you’re only going to exacerbate the problem. The reason we have economic inequality is because people with less sociological privilege — that is women and people of color — have less access to the economy. You can’t solve that just through wage increases and worker’s rights alone. You have to target the factors that cause that unequal access like lack of healthcare including abortions for women (btw M4A would effectively make all abortions illegal/prohibitively expensive because of the Hyde Amendment) and institutional racism. This means BEFORE we get to economic equality we are going to have to have 51% of our elected officials be female.
  9. Just shut up.
    Hmmm, let me think about that … No.
  10. Check your privilege!!!!!111!!! [I’ve only ever gotten this one from rich white guys.]
    I did. Did you?
  11. REVOLUTION!!!!!1!!!1!!11!!!!!
    Okay, Robespierre. Let me know how that works out for you.
  12. I’m going to call your boss on you!!
    And tell her what, that I refused to do as you — random angry guy online — told me? I mean, like it or not I have a right to my political opinion, vote, and voice. I generally don’t insult people unless they’re “sea lioning,” and I never threaten. But if you call my boss about my political postings nothing’s going to happen because you would have had to dig to even find out who that is or how to contact her meaning I haven’t violated any contracts and if you were to actually figure it out, it may be more likely that my company slaps you with a lawsuit for harassment.
    If I were running about posting racist or sexist literature or issuing threats of “I’ll call your boss” then this threat might be warranted, but … that’s not what I’m doing. Disagreeing with you does not void my First Amendment rights. Ironically, the guys who have made this and other threats against me I can actually take to civil and in some cases criminal court. First Amendment rights cover speech, but they do not cover threats particularly threats made in order to intimidate or silence. I don’t like getting this threat or any threat, but it is fundamentally hilarious in that it can backfire spectacularly. The only way for it to work is for the BernieBro to be actively and knowingly leveraging white male privilege and as it is a threat it’s not protected speech and can result in legal proceedings against the BernieBro.

In all honesty this is not even remotely an exhaustive list. I spend way too much time sifting through Berner insults and nonsense. And yeah, their point in doing that is to silence me and/or disenfranchise me. So there’s really no excuse. But at some point, one has to just sit back and take in the pure absurdity of what these guys are saying. The funniest thing about any of this is the reason I’m now #NeverBernie is not originally because the evidence suggests Sanders is a Russian asset, a populist, and not actually progressive, but because his supporters spend so much time intentionally harassing me.

If this is you, before you make uneducated scrawlings in the comment section ask yourself if you actually think after all these threats and insults I could ever be convinced to help your boy. The continuation of this behaviour only solidifies political resistance to Sanders. I find it funny now, but that’s simply because I — like the majority of actual leftists — do not take Sanders seriously.

As for the rest of you, aka the vast majority of humankind, let us bask together in the absurdity and impotence of Berner anger.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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