American History’s Most Rewarding Perp Walk

Straight from the White House to the Big House

Trump being escorted from the White House on January 20, 2021

For the past few years I’ve had this wonderful little fantasy where Trump gets impeached or charged with treason or — oh, I don’t know — refuses to leave office after being clearly democratically defeated at the polls and is therefore dragged from the White House in handcuffs. And my dudes, it is looking increasingly likely that we are going to get to see this play out.

Get your popcorn ready.

Until rather recently whilst I indulged in this fantasy I didn’t really think it would happen. I was rather entertained at Trump’s twitter meltdowns and his speech of great untruths given on the evening of November 5th was truly entertaining.

Certainly, I did expect Trump to try to prematurely announce victory the evening of November 3rd before he had even secured Texas. And I wasn’t terribly surprised — in fact, I wasn’t really surprised at all — when he started throwing about lawsuits and telling all who would listen to his ravings that he was going to take this to the Supreme Court so his precious Amy and Brett could fix it for him.

Karma, however, and as I think we all now fully appreciate is one helluva b*tch. After Donnie boy made that speech claiming he’d won before he’d even surpassed 200 Electoral College votes the election immediately started going downhill for him. And this was predictable. Republicans had tried to get states to not count ballots including mail-in ballots until election day meaning that not only was the typical dynamic where in person ballots are counted first and then the mail-in ballots added to that vote afterwards but states like Wisconsin and Pennsylvania which will both go blue couldn’t start until November 3rd and therefore had a long drawn out process of slowly but surely turning blue.

I was going to unsubscribe on November 3rd but honestly, I’m SO GLAD I DIDN’T.

Tellingly, this whole foolishness was actually a plan they had. Per usual the Republicans were trying to keep people of colour away from the polls and do their usual vote suppression shenanigans that you can read ALL about at the Brennan Centre for Justice. But on top of that Trump’s whole court stacking thing was because he knew he couldn’t win the popular vote and thought he could claim victory early and stop the count implying that all the votes coming in from or for Democrats were somehow invalid.

Regardless of his efforts, that was never going to happen. It seems pretty likely that Kavanaugh and Barrett may have been willing to torpedo their careers and reputations and risk judicial impeachment for Trump, but other judges including a number of Trump’s own appointees actually appear to be following the law which — as usual — is not on Trump’s side. So naturally, like any geriatric toddler, Trump is now refusing to concede.

Unctuous advisors and family members like Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner rather than encourage the old fool to face reality and show just the slightest tinge of grace and humility are encouraging him to behave in his usual unhinged erratic fashion. There is even some talk that Trump will attempt to “barricade himself in the Oval Office.” Honestly, I hope he does.

Mendacity is not a reasonable inoculation against democracy and Constitutional Law. According to our Constitution Trump’s term in office ends at noon on January 20th. As he will not be elected to a second term he becomes a private citizen at that moment and his Secret Service answer not to William Barr but to whomever Biden chooses as Attorney General. And — while I don’t think she’d take the job — Hillary Clinton is more than qualified to be Attorney General. It could theoretically be Hillary Clinton who gives the order to — say it with me — “lock him up.”

Pathetic though his behaviour now is and has been throughout his Presidency and really the entirety of his life we may all get a rather special treat and get to watch this evil, stupid, hateful loser who tried to destroy our country hauled from the office he never earned and does not deserve in handcuffs. If this does happen I rather hope the Biden team will be so kind as to allow the media to document this important moment in our history so we can all enjoy the destruction and humiliation of this truly worthless joke of a man.

Doctor of Palaeopathology, rage-prone optimist, stealth berserker, opera enthusiast, and insatiable consumer of academic journals.

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